Drawing Credit - Lo 2021, age 11
My name is Kris. I wish I could tell you amazing things about my life, that makes me comparable to all the other amazing individuals out there. But honestly, I’m just taking it one day at a time. Often wondering my place and purpose. I never expected to start over at this point in my life or career. I have two incredible, amazing daughters who are inspirational. In the midst of Covid, out lives changed unexpectedly. I have learned to navigate new systems, set boundaries, instill patience and put us first. With strength, I am soaring onward and wish to pass inspiration, hope, and compassion onto others. I present a strong front, often feeling undeserving. Hope you can relate and someone finds solace in my blog.
Blog
2024: Walking through the Desert
7-23-2024: I took the girls to see Walk of the Earth and the Lindsey Stirling concert. A connection to my past and a mantra for the future. It was a great weekend, even if it was only a 3-day trip. Tulsa was easy to navigate. Wish we had more time. La said it was the second time that we spent so much time together. Lo said she was just there for the gas station food. Evie boarded at the vet and Molly was fed by a friend. Lo was so sad to leave Molly behind. She now meows whenever someone leaves the room.
7-14-2024: For Lo’s elementary school years, I would pick up a friend and take her everywhere with us. They are still friends and that one friend turned into 5. Took them to the pool while I sat in the car to work on paperwork. It’s hot. It’s hot in the house. Finely has a new glass vase to swim in.
7-13-2024: I’m the funniest mom out there - had a monster yesterday and Lo asked last night why I was acting different (frankly had it at 10 am after working till 423 a on paperwork - but I got it done) and then I asked Lo to pull up the garbage can and she said … mom you can, you have extra energy … this morning she and La slept through the cattle drive so I went and bought flavors of monsters and created the rate then rank the monster game … they loved it or maybe I loved it more. Here is how to play… buy monsters (note to self - not cheap) …take a Girl Scout cookie box or other box and decorate it … then number the monsters and write down the flavors on a secret paper… then give the player a sheet of paper with 8 spots and circle faces .. they can take 2 sips and rank each beverage by drawing a smiley face for good, neutral face for ok, and a sad face for bad. Take the best of the best (all smiley faces) and try them again … rank from 1-? And reveal which one you like the best .. save for later, mix up again and repeat for reliability#BCBAlife … Also, the energy works, while La was at a sleepover, Lo asked to watch Grey’s Anatomy.
7-7-2023: Last hurrah - La used her own money today riding rides by herself at the carnival and has a heart of gold - Lo decided to stay home… she has a cat to watch. 4th of July was always a favorite holiday spent in Delano at my uncle’s house. La was excited to make a s’more and roast hot dogs yesterday … Even after the storm, we were running out of sticks in the front yard and headed to the backyard to find some more.. missed the shot of La playing Tetrus on her phone while the fireworks were blasting … Love Boba Tea and it’s becoming our Fourth of July tradition. I will always try to do what I can … but one day we’ll all just sit and listen to the band and that will be the day of my kind of fun.
6-30-2024 Junction City had a pretty significant storm yesterday. The night started listening to the song thunder while it’s thundering. La is so funny and now it’s on repeat. We played rain songs for about an hour and then I ran after our garbage can. La met me with a towel. How sweet. Most of JC was without power, lots of fallen trees, and flooding. La then came out from my room and said the tree fell on the house and it scared me. Thought it would have been a minor branch but it was super large missing the window air conditioner unit. The neighbors came and cut the tree off the roof and then today hauled the limbs away. When asked to help them unload at the dump site, she said that she had kids for that reason, kids to help. As a thank you we made them mushroom cupcakes (Chocolate cupcake, chocolate icing, green icing, marshmallow and strawberry on a stick). Knowing me- the tree would still be on the house today if it wasn’t for their generosity. Lo started henna.
6-22-2024: On the phone with Verizon, if you haven’t called in awhile might consider it. I think teacher’s should get a teacher discount if they work in home, clinics or schools. But they waived La’s phone activation fee, gave a $20 a month loyalty discount - it’s a pain I know, but I hate hidden fees. Was able to changed plans, add back hot spot back, remove the watch, and reduce protection plan fees.
6-16-2024: I know there are people out there who are more outspoken than I. There are people out there who are more talented than I. I’ve never wanted to be the one to speak up. I’ve never liked speaking in public. But, if you sit in silence, change stands still. Please anyone who wishes to celebrate Father’s Day in their own way and recognize anyone that may have raised them, feel free too celebrate in your own way. Have a happy day to anyone who wishes to enjoy the day and the up’s and downs it takes raising children - it takes a village - and I will share this on mother day as well. Some think that it’s not okay to acknowledge individual preferences . But, why kick people when they are already down. Celebrate your day in your own way. Father’s Day may not be for mothers and Mother’s Day may not be for fathers. But, if a child wants to honor a parents, grandparent, neighbor, friend on that particular day, I won’t stop them. The day should not be a day of loss and sadness, nor envy and jealousy but rather thankfulness and appreciation of what you do have or have had. Drop mic.
6-15-2024: La called me. There was a wasp is in the house, while I am at work… my response take a picture and send it to me. Hide out in the bedroom. I’ll be home in 2 hours. I hit 15 years at my company, grown into a true behavior analyst. La was in Aristocats this weekend. She wants a speaking line so terribly bad. Just one word! Here’s starting the love of acting for our upcoming actress.
6-10-2024: I made Fairy garden accessories while La made the walls to the fairy house which won’t go outside … La continues to work on her house. My mom would be proud … now we probably better set it up before it’s winter and buy more fairies (or smurfs) as someone posted.
6-8-2024: Used the Sunflower Summer app and took the girls to the pool in Salina. It was fire! It’s jst nice to be outside in the sun and away from the computer. Then a friend gifted us McDonald’s and dinner was served. I love those laughs in the car like when Lo said that in Britain everyone in school is British and in America we’re so diverse, and La says - yea we have farms,
6-4-2024: La is looking for sponsors to sponsor dance next year, we are starting a letter campaign. If you’d like to send us your address, she will write you a letter. Our mortgaged increased and I told her that we’d have to get sponsors to take all the classes she wants to take.
6-2-2024: Found a young lady who wants Lo to babysit her 7 month daughter while she packs up and moves to Tennessee. Perfect first babysitting job and now Lo has a cash app card.
5-8-2024: It’s been a year and a lot has changed and yet a lot hasn’t. I am in a much better place but falling into my same patterns of work and raising the girls. We have a dog (Evie}, a fish (Finley), and a cat [Molly Mae). I am still a behavior analyst. It’s rained some in this desert. The weather is much cooler. I used to use this site to mainly help me soar on, to reflect, to give back, to feel important. I want what I once had, what was once good. I’ve gone on a few dates, but no one has made it to a true second date. I find that maybe I’m too open or maybe I’m too old. But, I’m trying. We’re going to see Lindsey Stirling this summer. I love who she is and what she puts out on social media. She truly is an inspiration and so I hope that the girls realize that dreams never die. Mine hasn’t.
2023: No More Worrying
5-11-2023: I have so many insecurities, now more so than ever. I see these 20-something college students, newly BCBA’s, as competition. I then spend 2 hours working on an authorization reviewing an assessment that isn’t on the typical assessment list. I should take time to realize that I have the knowledge and am valued. I am by no means perfect. I struggle every day and that’s okay.
4-22-2023: I went out for the first time in forever, trying to meet new people. The girls are comfortable at home. Only the pup needs a babysitter. She got out yesterday, the neighbor caught her. I still force a smile some days. We need a new toilet. But, I worry less. I smile and hope and wish for a better future, a relationship, and a retirement. There have been school meetings things a week. Peer conflicts on the verge of harassment resulting in my brave soul making herself sick. But, she’s coming to me. I’ve created a safe space.
2022: Always and Forever Changing
12-6-2022: I’ve thought about getting a tattoo. A spiraling tornado, a yellow door, a rainbow, and backward and forward L’s. I have a tattoo on my foot, done when I was a bit more free-spirited living in New Jersey at age 21. I miss those days. I’m thankful for my siblings who put a Christmas Tree in my ma’s rehab room. One day, I’ll build Soaring Onward. A museum of hope. A family. I’m here to tell you that life should be more than just okay.
11-4-2022: My mom is really sick. She has been in the hospital many times since this past summer. She now has cancer. I keep thinking of all the miracles in her life and in mine. I truly feel for her. We may only have $1000 in saving but I really want to go home to visit her. I’m glad she’s with my stepdad, my brothers, and my sister. I lost everything. I wish we could move back to Minnesota, but the weather. I lost so much when he went to prison. I also gained so much strength. I found these Mr. & Mrs. Claus dolls at the DAV. My grandma Lo had the same growing up. My daughters not named after her, but it’s a sign. I thought they were cute. I hope Evie doesn’t eat them while I’m away at work.
11-13-2022: I look at my maiden name. It doesn’t seem to be me. My married name doesn’t seem to be either. I sold our small couch today for $60. Someone didn’t have enough money to purchase a couch and she has always wanted one that reclined. I could have waited for someone to pay more. But, she was really grateful. I’m buying new furniture. I’ll worry about worries later. This is home.
11-12-2022: Today was a good day. We completed 2 challenges the sore symbols challenge and the I-Spy to Thrive challenge. I need to make edits. We now have 8 magnets on the fridge. I am becoming crafty. I have an Amazon wish list of charms, beads, and craft supplies. We went to the Button and Bows boutique craft fair. I took pictures of things I’d like to make.
11-1-2022: “I don’t want to play truth or dare”, she says. “If I did, I would have to share my biggest secret.” I wish you didn’t have to think this way. I love you little one. We still sing the night-night song. We still love. The couch was kicked. 7 more years today. Yes, 7 years is a long time. But, pumpkin spice lattes are dreamy. New neighbors, new sleepovers, best friends. Trick or treating as a single mom. Passing out pop, and candy and making memories. I will teach you how to play truth and dare and how to share less scary secrets with people who might not understand.
9-21-22: I plan to date once the divorce is final. I still have 50 years left of this life. The dog threw up this morning, someone forgot to get dressed, my mom starts chemo, and I’m still happy. The other shoe hasn’t dropped. September 17, 2020, is when my life changed unexpectedly. Today, 2 years later. We are laughing. I deserve this. I hope you have found peace.
8-14-2022: We scheduled and went on our first vacation to visit Custer State Park in South Dakota. We always wanted to go. I know that stress will gradually return as the school year starts. I want my daughters to have opportunities to explore. They have grown up so much over the past 2 years. My oldest spends most of the day at home while I work. I’m grateful that she’s so independent but she also needs to be a kid. It was a lot of driving with only a few days of adventure but I feel very blessed that I was able to do this for us, for me, and for them. There are so many things that we could complain about, we arrived a day late, the mountain water was too cold, the cabin was full of moths, the Rushmore night show was too late, lots of walking, heat, and a flat tire. In the scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Thank you to wonderful friends who allowed us to tag along on their trip, who drove us around, who love us dearly, and who spent time with us. It was our first time camping over a fire and roasting marshmallows. I feel blessed. We drove back to Minnesota instead of heading to Kansas. Spent the night with a college friend and played with her cat. The best part of the trip was spending the day playing with a cat. A face tattoo for the first day of school was received at the St. Michael fair. Who cares!! It will wash off in two weeks. Can’t wait until our next adventure - Branson!
4-21-2022: We went back home to MN to see family over Easter. It was such a nice break. But, I feel completely behind. Wednesdays and Thursdays are probably the days when I feel the most overwhelmed. But there were moments in my day when I felt grounded and grateful. I had a client thank me for services and offer coffee if I were ever to be in the area. I love weekend getaways and when others include us in special birthday parties. A sitter who is always available. I know I don’t show enough appreciation. Thank you, family, for sending an Easter care packages from across the country. We played a few rounds of the game Guess Who. “That means you put them down”. I cleaned my oldest girls’ room. My youngest has been stretching her neck - likely 100 times today. Hope it’s not a tic. We tried lotion. Then we lay together before bed and play “I Spy in My Imagination” our favorite game. Not as overwhelmed as earlier in the day. I ended our support group meeting early tonight. Tomorrow - hair cuts and prepping for meetings. I listened to 5 hours of CEUS while driving in the past 2 days. Minor accomplishments are accomplishments nonetheless.
4-2-2022: Two times now, I’ve done something just for me. Kid free. A friend and I went to see a movie. Makes me feel young. I know what I want in life. That’s empowering. These past few weeks I’ve been happy. I have found success in work, it’s spring which is now my favorite time of the year. I feel less worried and more at ease. I still find myself worrying about what could be and hope that everything will be okay, no illnesses, no injuries, no accidents, no breakdowns.
3-30-2022: I have been searching for a place for myself. A place where I might belong. So many people have entered my life, temporarily, and it’s hard to say goodbye. Today, I may have found a ministry that I believe in. Broken Wings Ranch. Maybe.
3-13-2022: I keep saying I should know this. I didn’t know that I should file as head of the household. I didn’t know that I should sell his guns. I didn’t know that ruminating on a topic over 6 months is trauma. I didn’t know how to communicate with his unit. I didn’t know what to do with the bills, and still don’t. I didn’t know that insurance may be dropped without notice. I still don’t know if I’ll get child support. I should speak up. Our house is cold, but there is divine intervention. I haven’t lost hope. I don’t know, but I’m learning.
3-12-2022: It’s spring break. I had hoped for a vacation but instead, I’ll be working. We did splurge and get phones for myself and my oldest daughter. I know she doesn’t necessarily need one but with all the ups and downs this last year, peace of mind is something I will not live without. It is needed for my own sanity and mental health. So enjoy your new telephone number dear little one. No judgments
3-1-2022: My morning started off working on my spare computer as my main computer failed to charge. Deep breaths, we drove to counseling, and my daughter wouldn’t look at me. I could tell my frustration fell on her. I spent the morning setting up the spare computer paying $99 for Microsoft 360. My spare computer didn’t come with a CD Rom drive, so I couldn’t add Windows 10. I guess it’s time to upgrade. I say, “Things could be worse”. KFC for dinner tonight and the sitter picked up my youngest at clubs. I received a text, “She has a note'“. I didn’t realize that the music performance was tonight. I drove to work, said “goodbye”, rescheduled for tomorrow, and rushed to the 2nd-grade performance of SWAMPED with 5 minutes to spare. How could I miss that? I schedule everyone’s schedule but sometimes I don’t have time to finalize my own schedule. I hope that I can stay on track and work less this weekend so we can enjoy family time. I just need to be here for my girls. I have a support group. They are from all around the world. They understand far more about me than anyone I know. Thank you world!
3-7-2022: My daughter told me that her friends confide in her as she was the first to confide in them. I’m glad that she has a strong support network and hope they will be in her life for years to come. She said that sometimes she’s carrying their weight on her shoulders. Time heals some pain. She is graduating from counseling. I’m glad she met her goals. Soon, it will on me to keep moving forward, keeping us in this good space. Can I do it? Evie just stole a taco shell off the counter.
2-21-2022: We lost health insurance. Nobody notified me or told me the date. I should have been more on top of it. Thankfully, my company offers insurance and we’ll have a start date of 3-1-2022. Hope everyone stays healthy. I am still searching for a community to which I belong. I think as my children age, grow, and start families of their own that my family too will grow. What do I do in the meantime? I tried to find a mentor/mentee with Beneath the Skin. I am too old for such a program.
2-14-2022: It’s over, the plea deal was accepted, Happy Valentine’s Day - the girls do not have to testify and he will serve 5 years in jail with a life-long protection order that the girls can lift when they are older. I’m incredibly sad. My life will never be the same. I may never be in another relationship. But, if we would have divorced, custody would have been granted to him. I work too much. I am now responsible for raising independent, strong, amazing, fun-spirited girls.
2-12-2022: I heard the good news. Many people won’t think it’s good news, but for us- it is. Honorable discharge from the military. It’s easy to kick someone when they are down. But, unanswered prayers are being answered. You can’t take all accomplishments away nor do we want to. Just dropped off the books. So thank you - Army. Life isn’t easy. Thank you for not making life any harder! I cried today out of happiness. I have not done that since the beginning. I am starting to have more faith in divine intervention.
1-20-2021: I haven’t written. We had a good Christmas. The house is cold. But, really no excuses except I’m in a much happier and healthy place. I’ve started working on the website again and have updated and modified the challenges and resource pages. I spent time working on a victim impact statement, trying to use kind yet impactful words. It’s 12 minutes long. I am a lot stronger. In an October blog, I wrote, “I am not enough!” But, unknowingly in my victim impact statements, I wrote “I am enough”. which prompted another challenge locking up uncertainty. I will no longer say “I hope I am enough.” Instead I will say, “I am enough”
1-1-2021: There was a snowstorm. We had a staycation, at a hotel, in Junction City. The girls didn’t really care. New Year’s is just another day. I feel strong and hope that everyone can see the good in my heart. I know this imbalance will be ongoing for some time. I continue to think about adverse childhood experiences. It’s often written for medical professionals but parents should be informed as well. Can you talk to your family about your feelings? Has family stood by you in difficult times? Do you enjoy participating in community traditions? Do you feel a sense of belonging in school? Are you supported by friends? Do you have two non-parent adults who take a genuine interest in you? Do you feel safe and protected by an adult in your home? Positive childhood experiences can help children learn to thrive and overcome the health effects of adverse childhood experiences. Where do I find the non-parent adults that want to take a genuine interest in my child? I know I need to work on building relationships with adults and other people. I feel like I provide a safe, stable environment for the girls to live, learn and play. Though I worry about money and the possibility of getting stranded. What do I do when my car doesn’t start at the gas station? I want to take the girls to Kansas City but no big trips cost us. My friend told me that if you buy a discovery center pass, you get into Science City for free. If you have a zoo pass, you get into Sea Life at a discount. We have had those passes. I never thought to check. Promoting positive experiences is important. I was torn on spending money to drive home for the holidays. But, went home for Christmas. And there was snow.
2021: A Single Mom Working Mom
10-31-2021: Happy Halloween - we stopped at 7:30 pm so no pillowcase full of candy. But the girls still had the best time! My oldest got a large candy bar at the witches’ house because the lady couldn't go trick or treating after the age of 10. She likes it when older kids and adults dress up. My youngest got a toothbrush and I’m thankful as we are out of kid toothbrushes. Halloween characters were cosplay characters- Chi-Chi and Queen Elsa. She was supposed to be a purple fairy.. She kept saying that everyone had to listen to her since she was queen. Lo debated that in Frozen II, Ana becomes queen and so she doesn’t have to listen to her. This is rebutted by saying that Ana only became queen at the end of the movie so she's queen till the end of the night. Age 10 and 7. I was a purple fairy. My wings were a little small. It seems, one girl ends up changing her mind about their costume. In the past, they changed their mind when it came to Dora the Explorer and the 3 Little Pigs often defaulting to being a witch, Dorothy or Elsa. I really love the memories that we are making together. Sometimes I feel sad. You should know what the girls are for Halloween. You should be here. Both girls carved their pumpkins. My oldest made a free-hand bat while the other did a typical jack-o-lantern face. I’m single yet still married and I’m keeping it together.
10-28-2021: Missing people is really hard on young hearts. She cried so hard the other day missing everyone, and wanting a new family. It just breaks my heart that I’m not enough. I know we are doing better than most people in our situation. I struggle daily to have a balance. I can’t work mornings due to all the appointments. I have to work some evenings so I don’t give up our weekends together. We’re not rich but we’re not poor. We are going to a pumpkin patch on Saturday and trick or treating Sunday. I bought a bag of Halloween candy to pass out. I heard yesterday that a friend visited you. It’s not fair that we can’t communicate. We can’t talk. It seems like everyone just wants us to write off 15 years of marriage.. It’s been 13 months now. Hopefully, it will be over soon and we can move forward.
10-23-2021: We were debating yesterday whether to go to Britt’s Pumpkin Patch or Little Munchkin’s Pumpkin Patch - the one with the jumping pillow while the other has a zipline. The girls settled on Little Munchkins only to find out that they added a jumping pillow. Awe! happy surprises
10-13-2021: I feel as if I have to be in so many places at once - home taking care of a sick daughter, counseling appointments with my other daughter, vet for the dog, and working. Priorities today took place. I took a mental health day and worked some from home. But there were still tears. I miss Nana and Papa, I miss Uncle Jeff and Charlee, and I miss Grandpa Bill. I miss everyone! Then she sings this beautiful song to love the whole planet. Love can be so pure. She is teaching me love and forgiveness.
9-6-2021: For the first time, I’m okay with being okay. We have been doing one positive thing every day. Whether it’s a selfie with all the 3 of us and the dog, brushing the knots out of the dog’s fur, laughing at our cheer pup, or laying on the couch listening to the Alexa radio. It’s okay. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this much peace in this unsettled year. It was my birthday. We went to the sunflower patch. Spent my last $15 dollars listening to them complain about mud. Then we went to the free K-State gardens on the other edge of town and listened to happiness. I have been learning more about compassionate care and the behaviors that relate to it. Compassion blends the realms of sympathy and empathy. This involves recognizing suffering, trying to understand, relating to perspectives, and giving grace. I want to reassure us that things will get better. It’s okay as humans to show emotions. I am more aware and open.
8-26-2021: I know I’m doing the best that I can to parent, work, and maintain all responsibilities. I am a good parent. I’m a great mother. I’m holding myself up. But, the act of intimidation, from others, makes me anxious. Makes me doubt. How can I feel so confident at work and then come home and feel less competent? Yesterday - we were at church and they asked everyone to take the “Am I a good person test?” Everyone should fail this test. They say salvation reaches the end of the earth. I’m looking forward to having a spiritual future. This past year, I’ve changed how I see other people. My focus shifted. I want grace. They say, the more weight you carry, the more you need god’s grace. I’m glad you’re going to bible study. I look forward to 10 years passing. In 10 years, both girls will be adults. In 10 years, I won’t feel intimidated to speak.
8-19-2021: I can’t believe it’s been a year since my world turned upside down. But, I’m still standing. Then I look at the date and realize it’s my anniversary. Our wedding - was so joyous. It was a themed wedding. Was it real? 15 years ago, I would never have imagined we’d be going through this pain. But, I haven’t crumbled. I came home, made dinner, mowed the lawn, and spoke to a complete stranger going through a similar hardship for an hour and a half. This week I had a dear friend and her children come to visit me. We swam, played Cards Against Maturity, and laughed!! She has a teenager. For the first time in a while, I spent it without my children, not working. I didn’t pay someone to watch the girls. We ate at a resort, very peaceful, except for the flies. We came home and all the children were pretending to sleep on the couch with blankets. They played a big game of Hide N Seek, tried to train the dog, and washed our dishes. People are in our corner. My husband’s boss stopped to check in on us. He said he needs to cut his hair. Be brave. Be still. I wish for faith, miracles, and joy. I hope I find my place in life. Weakness and vulnerability seem might now become one of my strengths. Try to love and realize we are okay, we are more than okay. Remember, we are people. The girls and I went to see the Paw Patrol movie. Both girls loved it! Now, if only they would make a Backyardigain movie. That would totally rock!!
8-31-2021: I was asked today to lead our support group. I never thought that I would be capable of such thing. Historically, I become incredibly nervous to speak at public events. But, this past year, I’ve started to desensitize from the feelings of uneasiness and discomfort. I listened to a podcast today on gender identity and it made me feel that perhaps I can stay true to the field of behavior analysis and also speak this truth. We spoke today in the group about getting a few books on saying “no!”. I will order these. I should have ordered these when the girls were younger.
8-11-2021: Yesterday, I heard that a cousin was in an accident and my uncle passed away. There is a funeral this weekend and though I want to go, we just can’t go. I then got an email from a stranger searching the internet. She asked if I could post something about their cause on my site. How incredibly amazing that someone looked at this“ under construction “site and felt the need to reach out to me. Maybe it’s a scam. Perhaps by doing this - I’m neglecting myself. Perhaps this is just replacing other behaviors, masking deeper feelings. But, regardless, that act of kindness made me feel important. I’m redefining my purpose in life. I am slowly making a platform for myself and my girls. Thank you.
8-8-2021: The girls are at camp. There were tears with the covid testing but none leaving them this time, from any of us. It’s only for two days as school begins soon. Maybe next year, they’ll be able to go camping for the entire week. But, it’s highly unlikely as the camp is too expensive. I never had an experience like this. It’s just me and Evie now. Frozen has been playing on repeat all day. I am finishing all my CEUs. I have so many things to do, my to-do list is just too long. Oh, The biker group didn’t go so well. Both girls were nervous and scared. Eventually, they warmed up. They get to choose if they want to participate in their program. It’s the first time this year that they get to have a choice. Afterward, one wanted to continue and the other opted out. So, we opted out of the program.
8-7-2021: We are back in Kansas after seeing family and friends. There’s no place like home. I feel more alone these days. First day of school. Both girls got the teacher they wanted. Besties in her class. I’m having difficulty planning my day. I’m doing everything last minute. We leave for camp in a few hours. I should have already packed. Time to get packing. The girls ate most of the grapes and drank a half gallon of milk in less than a day. We are scraping by. I’m going to start thinking about my will. What do I want for the future? We don’t have any assets right now. I have short-term plans but I need to make long-term plans. My girlfriend from college said that I can list them in my will. It’s only me. We can also list my mom and stepdad. Life makes me so sad when I alone have to plan for hard decisions. My oldest doesn’t want to go camping. My youngest doesn’t seem to mind. She would have to go to sitters anyway.
7-30-2021: The storm finally settled and there is a nice sense of clarity in my heart. I’ll move on after I have enough money saved to pay off student loans, buy a house outright, save for the girls’ college, and have established a retirement fund. At age 42, it’s a large task, but I’m optimistic that I can do it all. Even with layers upon layers of fog, I feel empowered.
7-15-2021: Follow-up everything turned out fine. New rules, they can only sit in silence for 5 minutes. I told her that sometimes speaking up has good outcomes.
7-14-2021: A heart of gold she has. But with this heart of gold, comes a fragile, sensitive soul. Today, she told me that her class got in trouble for arguing during an activity and as a punishment, they will have to sit in silence tomorrow. She doesn’t want to go to clubs tomorrow. But, she only has 3 days left until vacation and tomorrow they swim. We talked, and she cried but decided to go to support her friends. I told her it was unlikely that the class would have to sit in silence for the entire day. We talked about bringing a book to read, her rubber band kit, or her sketch notebook. We then spoke about bringing lollipops. They could sit in silence with lollipops. It’s like a DRA procedure, you can’t truly talk and lick the lollipop at the same time. Hopefully, they will appreciate this gesture. 8 hours of silence, kids are so literal.
7-14-2022: When asked if Evie could have another treat it said no, but she was outside in the yard playing. When asked if she could have a treat when she came back inside, she said “Yes”. Lucky pup. Wish I could be that lucky.
7-13-2021: We went to Walmart last weekend to get a birthday present for a neighbor girl. She wanted a Magic 8 ball and so we bought her one and one for our family as well. Evie must be a very lucky pup. When we ask the magic 8 ball if she can have a treat, it says “Yes”. Five times in a row it said “yes”. Then I got to thinking about how we spend money on frivolous things like Magic 8 balls, candy, and Dollar Tree items. Items we really do not need but want. I feel so greedy. I work hard to support my family and don’t have much saved in case of an emergency. I make a good income - but really don’t make enough to cover our mortgage, put food on the table, utilities, car insurance, health insurance, and other bills. This year has really shown me that I have to change my own behavior and start saving money. Starting this business is a risk, a big risk and it might fail. “Can I do this?” The Magic 8 ball says “Outlook good”. Will it fail? it says, “Without a doubt”. Can Evie have another treat ?” it says “Please try again”… I try again and it says “Better not tell you now.” Well, at least she’s content chewing a bone that the Magic 8 ball gave her yesterday.
7-13-2021: I purchased a car that has a key fob. Oh, how I hate it. My biggest worry happened to me. In a rush, I drove 1 hour to work without keys in my car. How did 1 drive one hour without keys you say? Well, I ran home, unlocked the door, grabbed my phone charger, then left in a hurry so that I could attend a conference lunch and learn Zoom call. I didn’t even have time to let out the dog. My one friend in the area, who is a blessing, drove over 3 hours to bring me my keys and also picked my girls up from clubs. Thank you. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate Kansas and move on to where we have more support. Today was intense.
7-10-2021: I had a few people tell me that this site is motivating and inspiring. I’m brave but have so many mixed emotions - disappointment, sorrow, thankfulness, forgiveness, happiness, anger, and grief. With today’s technological advances - Why do we have to find our own answers and our own way? That makes me so mad. , I’ve searched for help and assistance and found some amazing resources across the country. Not in our area. I feel alone navigating this system that so many others have navigated. I hope if you’re reading this, you feel less alone knowing I’m here. I’ve been told, do not to discuss the offense, and not go over the child’s testimony as prompting may cause more trauma and it may be seen as witness coaching. Children testifying in court may experience anxiety and fear. Fear of being hurt, embarrassment, not being able to answer questions, or going to jail. When frightened, the child is less likely to answer questions. I’m frightened so why wouldn’t they be? Happy Birthday! We may not be able to talk to each other and see each other but know that I want good things for you and also the best for our girls. This past year has been hard for all of us and I know it has been hard for you too. Last year, we started a tradition of silly string and water balloons on birthdays. When you see sidewalk chalk and positive messages, know it’s a sign that we’re thinking of you. Oh by the way - Evie says hi. She’s our new puppy - which means “to live”. We are going to live our lives not in sorrow but in hope. I hope you can find happiness. I hope you don’t hate me.
7-8-2021: I asked my daughter to tell me one good thing about the day. She reported they swam, did canon balls, swam, did more canon balls, swam, and did even more canon balls. My other daughter reported that she didn’t have such a great day playing Dodge Ball. Why do they still play that game in school? Supposedly the entire class got written up for getting hurt. I asked if I could give her a hug. She gladly accepted. I asked her what I could do to make her happy. She reports, “let’s just go home”.
7-3-2021: Last Easter, we were driving to Manhattan and my oldest saw a large crane by the zoo and said “Mom, the zoo has giraffes.” She said it so seriously. We drove by 3 more cranes and said “Look another giraffe”. Later that week, we drove by another and I asked “See the giraffe?”. Two months later, on the way to the pool, my youngest says “Mom, a giraffe”. Now, it’s a thing. Today, my oldest said “Look a giraffe” and my youngest said, “That’s not a giraffe, giraffes don’t look like that”. We said, “It’s the skeleton of the giraffe” and she said, “But, it has the number 138.” “Well, all skeletons have numbers, just like cows have tags”, I say. Then she said, “Well when a giraffe dies it dies lying on the ground”. You have a point, yes, it’s a crane. But, we’re making memories. Hoping each girl will remember these car conversations and pass them down for generations to come. Now, some days, it’s a giraffe and other days it’s a crane. But, to me, it will always be a giraffe.
6-30-2021: 12 hours of driving, is 12 hours of thinking and reflection. If you don’t offer, I won’t ask. If I don’t ask, you won’t offer. Why do I feel like that? I think that’s one reason I’ve stayed distant for so long. I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t know how to talk about anything. I don’t know how to connect when other people have connections. I’ve always been an outsider. I’ve always had a hard time with this. I said many years ago, “There’s really no reason to stay in Minnesota.” I don’t think that I actually meant that only that I was searching for myself, my place… My emotions are so raw today. I won’t leave Kansas. Here we have stability. I’m starting over in only one aspect of my life. Even with layers upon layers of fog, I feel empowered. There is this song on the radio - that makes me think of you, I wish we wouldn’t have put all the things that we wanted to do off. I wish we would have camped at Mount Rushmore, used the timeshare, and visited with family and friends more often. I wish we would have driven the truck! We essentially paid a year’s worth of payments + $4000 to drive 300 miles. At least we went to the Dinosaur Park. One of the last happy days with you, was last year on my birthday. There’s a wound in my heart and something is missing. I feel broken. You live on and I’m trying my best to stay positive. I use to end our letters always and forever. Everything is out of my control. I’ll leave it to fate or faith. Even if we did all those things, we’d likely still be in the same place. I want to talk to you. I can’t and I won’t. But, I’m holding the girls dearest.
6-23-2021: This week, my girls are in Minnesota swimming in the pool at my brother’s house. I debated sending them. But after our water heater went out and $1700 later, I didn’t have much of a choice. I couldn’t afford clubs. Now, they are able to get away, breathe and be with cousins. One is sleeping in the same room as her cousin. No warnings are needed, they roll over and go to sleep. There is a little less worry this week. I worry so much. I worry about going to the grocery store alone or even leaving them alone for the shortest period of time. I don’t want anyone to say that I’m not good enough. That is my worst fear. I think kids feel burnout just as much as adults. I’m glad they are on vacation. I love hearing about moments of happiness. Making a rain shelter in the pool out of pool noodles and kick boards. Those unexpected moments will be remembered.
6-23-2021: We have assimilated into American culture. My girls went to a Mexican restaurant and ordered chicken nuggets and fries. I find it difficult to teach culture. We are taught to respect the culture and use cultural sensitivity when working, but I don’t know much about my very own culture. My husband use to make weekly rice and beans a dish that his grandmother always made. They use to race by playing the Duolingo Spanish app. His streak is now gone. I not only have to parent alone but in some way continue to teach them about their culture. I am trying to be vague on this site. We only have about 6 weeks to prepare the girls. I spoke in my support group yesterday. I’m reaching out to my resources and found a bike group that can help us. The biker group told us that the girls can form new identities. This has been a scary, nightmare of a year. We are brave, strong, and beloved. But, how do I prepare myself? Who helps me? I feel like I am starting to heal. But, maybe the walls in my world really haven’t come crashing down.
6-16-2021: I’m so excited to start challenges and catapult missions. There are so many things in this world that symbolize the realness of pain, hope, joy, and sadness. In college, I was intrigued by photography and activism. I wish I never put that passion on hold. Somehow, I lost some of those passions over the years due to assimilating to different cities, work-family life, military, and time away from my support network. I’ve always worked so hard. I don’t have anything to show for it. I have two girls.
6-15-2021: 6-15-2021: I have an ethical responsibility to keep professional and personal relationships separate. As a therapist working with families for years, it’s easy to blur lines. I’ve seen milestones made, met their extended family, and have been apart of their life change. Now, I’m setting boundaries and will live this life with integrity. I know who I am. I know others care and are appreciative. I don’t need help, I don’t want sympathy. I just want to make a difference.. I’ve always envied others who can present themselves with such ease and peace, fitting in with mother nature, religion, and friendship. I know life is not easy for most, but to me, other lives seem much grander than mine. My life feels so heavy and empty now. My biggest fear came true. If no one is able to pick up the girls, I guess I will pick them up at the police station. I had a friend post 100 days of happiness as a way to self-discovery and another is posting one thing she likes about herself and one thing she does for herself. I know they have support. Life is so much easier with support. I have people supporting me because that’s their job.
6-14-2021: My oldest is into drawing mostly anime and her creativity is shining so much that we purchase new markers and kits. My youngest is into dancing - $70 a month. We started with ballet and then added tap. If she could have it her way, she would do ballet, jazz, tap, and cheer. I can’t afford all 4 classes. I don’t even know how much longer I can afford 2 classes. We did some horseback riding. All these activities are expensive. As a single mom, you can’t do it all. Hopefully, they will still be able to pursue their dreams, and if she wants to be a famous singer, let her know that sky is the limitless.
6-1-2021: Not only are we going through our life change and I likely have to make one of the most difficult decisions soon, but what else can go wrong? For me, the hot water went out, my tooth cracked, we were late to a dance recital, our dog ate underwear again and again and again, ate all the bacon, and a very cool stuffed wolf. Our garbage disposal leaked and the guy I hired to mow the lawn and cut down the bush didn’t do it all and me being the nice person I am, I still paid him $75. I cut down the bush. I’m sure there’s so much more that I can complain about. But for now, I’m going to say - that I’m strong, we are strong, I am brave, we are brave, I am tough, we are tough.
Flip it - What can go right? I sold the truck. I posted it on Facebook and ended up increasing the bid by $2000. I still had to pay $4000 to sell the truck back to a dealership. But it’s gone! What a relief!! Hope this website helps someone. I found a support group and I look forward to Thursday night phone calls with other adults going through my similar life change. I love my job and I had a client tell me that I’m such a blessing. I’m listening to podcasts daily learning more about behavior analysis and organizational behavior management. I love my girls.
5-23-2022: It’s hard to see moments of happiness. But glimpses of happiness are here, just look… there’s more.
Happy when our puppy stole Ovaltine off the counter and was carefully licking the container, thankfully it wasn’t poop.
Our puppy grabbed a shoe and we placed it on her foot, to show her that shoes goes on feet and not in her mouth. It was pretty cute and received a few chuckles. I don’t think she’ll learn that contingency.
Shopping for anime at Hot Topic and looking at all of the Anime drawings.
Dancing “We’re not going to take it!” La joined tap. Lots of emotions, but her dance teacher is great!
Starting to work on my website, trying to form a better future for my girls and me
1-18-2021: I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to find happiness again. So, I decided we’re getting a dog. Evie Bean Jelly Bean joined our family. She’s a Golden Doodle. Hopefully, nobody is allergic to her. She’s our therapy dog.
2020: Where’s the Misunderstanding?
12-25-2020: My parents stayed through Christmas. We didn’t spend it alone. She has gone to the store. Bought Lo a bathrobe and laundry basket. I am grateful, it’s more than I have.
11-30-2020: I was incredibly sick. My mom believes that I have Covid. I tested negative.
10-29-2020: Over 30 days later, he was arrested. I wasn’t notified until the next day. We don’t exist in this case. My mom moved down and is living with us.
10-6-2020: Forensic interviews are scary.
9-30-2020: My daughter lost her tooth. She couldn’t explain it. Lots of errors in prepositions. I got a protection order. I said “goodbye”.
9-17-2020: I got a call from the police department to pick up my girls. They had missed the Boys and Girls Club bus. I rushed home. My husband was on orders in Wisconsin. He always placed the Army before our family. Long story short. Our lives will forever change.
2018/2019/2020: An Advocacy and Resource website.
8-4-2018: Applied Behavior Analysis is more readily accepted and funded, Yet, waiting lists are long and services become more limited when individuals enter school, reach adolescence, and transition into adulthood. Our mission is to help advocate for safe, effective, and compassionate ABA services across home, school, and community settings. There are many misconceptions about ABA such as where and how to teach it. But, The principles and technologies of Applied Behavior Analysis can enhance the quality of life, for many.
I have spent many years helping families access community resources and needed services. This site is designed to be a placeholder for information found and as a way to eliminate the need to reinvent the wheel. My hope is that others will use this information to continue to enhance the quality of life of individuals and families served.